The TriDad Life

In my most recent letter to my yet unborn child (we are exactly 14 days from the due date as of today! WOW!!), I was writing about the passing of my Grandma Ann.

We held the funeral services last weekend in Lansing, and I was honored to have been asked by the family to deliver her eulogy.

I had not delivered a eulogy before, so although I knew that given my relationship with my grandmother I would have quite a bit of material, I consulted a few blogs and videos to gather some inspiration and best practices. This was a useful exercise, and serving as the “kindling” for the prepared remarks, which I believe were well received and meaningful upon delivery.

Now that the eulogy is behind me, I thought I would offer a few of my own tips that may help someone out there in the same spot as I was just recently:

1. Find some kindling

As I mentioned above, while the person you are eulogizing lived a special and unique life, delivering a eulogy is a common and age-old practice in society. Literally millions of people have gone before – you don’t have to reinvent the wheel. I found it very helpful to do a simple google search to get some tips and to watch a few examples, which helped me develop some ideas and structure. Here are a few links that I found helpful:

• A Simple Guide to Writing and Delivering a Eulogy
• Delivering Eulogies
• President Obama Delivers Eulogy for Senator Edward Kennedy

2. Obtain perspective from others

Taking this step is probably the best advice that I can give you. Unless you are a clergyman, it is likely you were asked to give this person’s eulogy because you had a strong personal relationship with the deceased. However, it is really important to keep in mind that many others will share in the grief of the passing, and they will have their own memories about this person. It is really important to try to do a little homework and outreach to gather perspectives from other friends and relatives that knew the deceased to paint a more full picture of the person’s life, as well as to provide a more meaningful tribute that will reach those in attendance at the funeral.

In my case, I knew that we had relatives coming in from Minnesota who knew my Grandma well. We also had my mom and Dad and uncles and brothers and cousins. Asking for stories about Grandma and receiving feedback from all of these people was my favorite part of this process, as it allowed me to learn knew things about Grandma, while also seeing where there were common experiences. What rose to the surface were truly defining characteristics that we all acknowledged and remembered vividly – the picture of this wonderful woman and her impact on all of us became clear and beautiful.

3. Do a few run-throughs with a partner

OK, so now you’ve written this great speech. You are prepared to stand up there and deliver a stoic address, right?

Wrong! Keep in mind that the words on the page are going to be some of the most emotional and personal that you will ever write, and they will certainly elicit some strong emotions. You really can’t control this, but you can prepare yourself.

The day before I delivered Grandma’s eulogy, I practiced a few times for my wife. I am not ashamed to admit that on the first try, I suffered a good, long weep. However, in subsequent attempts, I was able to come to the acceptance that while I knew that I would not get through the eulogy without tearing up, I could take pauses and a deep breath when the emotions hit in order to push through.

Moreover, my wife reminded me that it’s ok to cry.

This affirmation and preparation was also helpful for me to come to the understanding that delivering this eulogy was part of my own personal grief process, and I was even grateful for it.

4. Orient yourself to the logistics

While we have all been to funerals, it is different to be part of one. You might not get a true understanding of the “run of show,” as it were, until the morning of the funeral. In our case, we were all outside of our local community as Grandma was being buried in Lansing alongside Grandpa. There was not a local church or funeral home that any of us were familiar with. My uncles did an excellent job of putting everything together remotely.

A local pastor was called in to help facilitate the memorial service. As I was serving as the eulogist, it was important for the pastor and I to connect prior to the service to determine the order. As someone called in to serve a family he did not know, he did an excellent job and provided us some grace, compassion, and even humor with some opening remarks.

When it came time for me to deliver the eulogy, I felt comfortable knowing that the order of service had been settled and that the attendees were all made aware of how things were going to play out.

5. Be in the moment

Obviously, I have recommended that you prepare your remarks in advance and have them written down for you to deliver at the service. But it is also important to “read the room,” and at times, let yourself deviate somewhat from what is on the page so that you can connect with everyone and “be in the moment.”

Our service was small and intimate. We had roughly 40 people in the chapel at the funeral home. At times during the eulogy, I allowed myself to laugh, and even to verbally acknowledge someone in the room that came up in the remarks. My 18-month old niece made some noises at a few times, which I acknowledged and gave everyone a laugh. It served as some levity I needed to continue on when at times I was feeling like I might burst into tears.

For me, it was one of the great honors of my life to have the opportunity to pay tribute to someone that meant so much to me. If you find yourself in the same position someday, I hope some of what I’ve offered here might help you. God bless you!